First of all, it made me want to write. Great. A lot of inspiration as far as ideas go. A lot of excitement about my ideas. I met a lot of good people and had a lot of good talks about writing. My fiancée and I actually spend about 10 mins talking with Mike Resnick. I said 'hi' in the hall as we were leaving a panel and he stopped to talk with us. He was actually very encouraging about my goals, and spent a good deal of effort trying to convince her to submit something to WOTF.
Second, it made me really depressed. I got a big, achy feeling of despair over the state of publishing and my chances at making writing a career one day. Ugh... Don't quit your day job. There was such a general sense of negativity from most of the rest of the panelists regarding the potential of making a full time job out of writing fiction. And even if you do get published, be prepare to do all your marketing yourself. If you're not the top 1 or 2 books, the publisher won't market you. If you catch on, you catch on. If not, oh well, they move on to the next wannabe author. It really got me down; my fiancée too.
We started rationalizing, trying to pump our spirits back up. The vast majority of the panelists were unknown to barely known authors whose books haven't come out yet or came out through local, small press, indie publishers. This was natural, given the relatively low profile of Context. These were people whom it hadn't happened for yet, at least not on that scale. Of course they're going to present that view of the industry.
Then it struck us that, perhaps, a lot of them just aren't that good. Well, that wasn't fair. I've read enough crappy books from huge publishing houses, watched enough crappy TV shows on major networks, seen enough crappy movies from major studios, to know that sales ≠ quality. Plus, the goal of a lot of these writers could be different from mine. Maybe they just want to write, to be published. Maybe they prefer the small press.
Then I remembered all my CLE classes. As a lawyer, I'm required to take 24 hours of Continuing Legal Education courses/seminars every 2 years to maintain my license. Every time I go to one of those, I come out with that antsy feeling that I'm doing it all wrong; I'm a horrible, half-assed, unethical attorney. You have to take a conscious effort after a CLE class to remind yourself that, in a CLE, you're seeing lawyers at their anal utmost. Panels at a CLE are a group of professional CYAers CYAing their best CYAing to a room full of fellow CYAers. They have to avoid anyone ever getting in trouble and somehow linking it back to anything they may have just intoned in their presentation. It's a presentation of the platonic ideal of ethical practise, but it's not at all practical. For example, if a bankruptcy attorney, such as myself, did every single thing they say you should do at a CLE, bankruptcy would cost $10,000.00. (Yes, that's a made-up number, to illustrate a point... don't quote me, this is a writing blog, not a legal blog!) (And a little CYA of my own: if you ask my clients, you'll find that I do far more that a lot of other attorneys out there when it comes to due diligence, thank you very much. See, it's ingrained.) Anyway... maybe those panelists were being ultra-conservative when it comes to the publishing industry so as to not pump-up the expectations of too many wannabe writers.
Then I remembered the cover of the program... Brace yourselves:
Really? WTF...I remember during the opening ceremonies, someone praising the guy for the 'fine job of picking our outstanding cover art', while we were trying our hardest to act professional, not snicker, and figure out if we were still in reality or had slipped into some alternate dimension, populated with quirky, humanish-looking gnomes that really thought that was 'art'. Now, that someone was one of the other organizers of the con, but still, how can I take a group that thinks that seriously? I'm not even going to bother analyzing that picture. Apart from the glassy-blue tiger (which is rather awesome, i have to admit), it's got just about everything that's wrong with every crappy fantasy cover (and romance cover) I've ever seen. If you don't know what I'm saying, I don't think I'm going to be able to explain it anyway. Or, if you think it's great, then... I guess I just don't get it then.
And now I know what my first cover will look like... Damn my impudent tongue!
My inability to pinpoint the reasons we felt disparaged after the con aside, it took me quite a while to write anything after that weekend. A bad couple of weeks at the office didn't help either. Despite wanting to write, being inspired as far as topics and finishing my story, whenever I sat down to do it I was overcome with that other feeling.
Whatever... No matter what the reason behind that denigrating feeling of negativity my fiancée and I took from the con, I'm putting it behind me. Yes, I get satisfaction out of writing. Yes, I'll be doing it no matter if I ever make it a full-time career. That's not the point. My current career is draining, soul-sucking. My goal is to make a living writing, a comfortable living. One where I can raise a family, send my kids to school, with only writing as a profession. I'll be a happier person that way. (Which, admittedly, has always been hard for me; I've never been a happy person) And I'm going to make that happen, no matter what all you naysayers, umm... say.
